God, I feel so stupid. I want to fucking cry for no good reason... All this stuff at school about careers is bothering me. It's all saying "You don't need to choose right now, and what you choose isn't forever.", but what about when you know what you want to do but you know it's impossible? That your only option to make any decent money is to become a whore. I know whenever I have one of my low-self-esteem-rants everyone goes all "oh but you're so pretty and smart and you can do anything you put your mind to" and I appreciate it, I really do, but it doesn't make it true and it doesn't make me believe it. So why do I feel like this. 1. I'm failing school. Ok, so maybe not "failing", not failing like I have every other year, but I thought I could do better, and I tried, and now I know I can't, I'm at absolute most a B grade student in mainstream classes. Sure I might pull an A in photography or art but it's high school electives, it doesn't count for much and doesn't reflect any real talent that it might make me think I have... sure, I love photography, and I love art, but I can't make a career out of either of them. Just because I like them doesn't mean I'm good at them. I'm doing ok in english but I'm not in challenge, I try hard, I do all my work, but I don't get moved up, so obviously I'm no good at it, I just thought I was. Science, eh, I'm doing ok but I'm not going to be a scientist, that requires above average intelligence. Maths I'm fucking failing, I try, I really do but it all goes straight over my head and makes me feel like a fucking retard. Latin/french I'm probably going to get one of those grades that means I did nothing because I didn't complete the French 7 assessment criteria. I'm obviously failing history. Again, I do my work, hand everything in, and I fail anyway 'cause I suck at it. Why can't I just get A's for handing stuff in? Ok, so I want to be a photographer. But I can't do that 'cause I probably don't have any real talent for it and it's a really hard industry to break into. Then I'd like to be an artist or a fashion designer, both out of the question for the same reason as photography. Then teaching, can't do that 'cause it requires 2 maths lines at college which I'd get kicked out of I suck so bad. My next preference is modelling but that's shot down straight away, I'm not pretty enough to be a model. I have a fat chin, uneven features and I'm really kind of plain looking. So what's my alternative? Check out chick or prostitute. Fun. I don't want to be a stripper, or a whore, or even a topless barmaid. It would be the most hideously degrading thing I can imagine, but it seems the best I can do. And even then Paul said today that I should "grow some boobs" and that I couldn't be any of those things 'cause I'm fat and flat chested. I had my life planned out. I'd travel, I'd be rich, my kids would be gorgeous and have the best lives I could possibly give them. With my prospects it would be a crime to bring children into that life. It probably seems by now that I'm fishing for compliments. But I'm not, I'm just trying to explain why I've been in such a bad mood lately. It barely seems worth it. I'm not going to do anything stupid like cut myself or stop eating but that's because I know that won't help, and sure, I'm going to go on pretending I'm happy 'cause whenever I stop smiling people bombard me with questions about what's wrong and try to console me. Consoling me won't help, I'm going nowhere and there's nothing anyone can do about it, I'm pretty much destined to fail. Anyway, please ignore this and I've no idea why I'm even posting it.