God, I feel so stupid. I want to fucking cry for no good reason... All this stuff at school about careers is bothering me. It's all saying "You don't need to choose right now, and what you choose isn't forever.", but what about when you know what you want to do but you know it's impossible? That your only option to make any decent money is to become a whore. I know whenever I have one of my low-self-esteem-rants everyone goes all "oh but you're so pretty and smart and you can do anything you put your mind to" and I appreciate it, I really do, but it doesn't make it true and it doesn't make me believe it. So why do I feel like this. 1. I'm failing school. Ok, so maybe not "failing", not failing like I have every other year, but I thought I could do better, and I tried, and now I know I can't, I'm at absolute most a B grade student in mainstream classes. Sure I might pull an A in photography or art but it's high school electives, it doesn't count for much and doesn't reflect any real talent that it might make me think I have... sure, I love photography, and I love art, but I can't make a career out of either of them. Just because I like them doesn't mean I'm good at them. I'm doing ok in english but I'm not in challenge, I try hard, I do all my work, but I don't get moved up, so obviously I'm no good at it, I just thought I was. Science, eh, I'm doing ok but I'm not going to be a scientist, that requires above average intelligence. Maths I'm fucking failing, I try, I really do but it all goes straight over my head and makes me feel like a fucking retard. Latin/french I'm probably going to get one of those grades that means I did nothing because I didn't complete the French 7 assessment criteria. I'm obviously failing history. Again, I do my work, hand everything in, and I fail anyway 'cause I suck at it. Why can't I just get A's for handing stuff in? Ok, so I want to be a photographer. But I can't do that 'cause I probably don't have any real talent for it and it's a really hard industry to break into. Then I'd like to be an artist or a fashion designer, both out of the question for the same reason as photography. Then teaching, can't do that 'cause it requires 2 maths lines at college which I'd get kicked out of I suck so bad. My next preference is modelling but that's shot down straight away, I'm not pretty enough to be a model. I have a fat chin, uneven features and I'm really kind of plain looking. So what's my alternative? Check out chick or prostitute. Fun. I don't want to be a stripper, or a whore, or even a topless barmaid. It would be the most hideously degrading thing I can imagine, but it seems the best I can do. And even then Paul said today that I should "grow some boobs" and that I couldn't be any of those things 'cause I'm fat and flat chested. I had my life planned out. I'd travel, I'd be rich, my kids would be gorgeous and have the best lives I could possibly give them. With my prospects it would be a crime to bring children into that life. It probably seems by now that I'm fishing for compliments. But I'm not, I'm just trying to explain why I've been in such a bad mood lately. It barely seems worth it. I'm not going to do anything stupid like cut myself or stop eating but that's because I know that won't help, and sure, I'm going to go on pretending I'm happy 'cause whenever I stop smiling people bombard me with questions about what's wrong and try to console me. Consoling me won't help, I'm going nowhere and there's nothing anyone can do about it, I'm pretty much destined to fail. Anyway, please ignore this and I've no idea why I'm even posting it.

It's almost Valentines Day! I think it's my favourite holiday ^_^ At school, we get to organise all the secret admirer flowers etc too! It's fabulous! It's so cute, we get to read everyone's messages too, and see who likes who ^_^ So happy valentines day to everyone, especially Aaronator, you two are the cutest, and send valentines to complete randoms, spread the man love!

well we went to the pool today, we being our whole grade, jonno and avril, and it was such mad fun! we played extreme-contact-keepings-off, by the end *everyone* was playing, it was very cool... and now i'm so unbelievably sunburnt! and i won't ramble on because i really can't be bothered but tomorrow we're going ice skating and to the movies =P should be uber cool...

what's wrong with me! i'm on the verge of tears for little to no reason! just lots of little things building up i guess but still... why am i crying? *sigh* i'd put it down to pms but it'd be very premature *share moment* so i don't know... probably just school report stress... i'm getting an e in maths and my teacher managed to slip me a d in history even though the marks showed an e... it totally sucks because although i handed in some stuff late in both classes i did all the work... so i guess i'm just stupid... my mother insists that if i hand everything in and pay attention in class i should get 100% on every test, assignment and for my overall grade... i did that and i got basically two e's... that's the lowest grade they give at our school... luckily my mother said that if my grades are that bad she doesn't want to see them i can just become a hairdresser instead of a teacher... today Isabelle said something along the lines of "oh but you won't need maths" but yes i blooming will... i need to stay in advanced and do well so i can get into 2 fairly high level maths courses at college so i can get into primary teaching at uni... and i need 2 english courses at college too, one of them has to be a major if i stay in canberra... and my evil teacher whom i depise with a firey firey passion is failing me too i think so unless i get someone else next year for english i *will* be the failure my mother thinks i want to be... i don't want to do that... i do so much to try to be what she wants me to be but it's not enough... i'm not as smart as she wants me to be... and i work so hard to avoid all the temptations... because i don't want to end up like my parents, over 40 and still spending all my money on pot and cigarettes... i told my mum the other day that i know i suck at maths and i don't deserve to be in advanced and she argued that i don't suck because i did my maths assignment i none night and thought i got everything right but i got it back today and i failed... she thinks i'm so much smarter than i am and it's getting harder and harder to live with those expectations... she thinks i could be a doctor but i can't even do a blooming year 9 maths assignment! god, she'd bloody love this... i'm sitting here typing a blooming blog entry and i've got tears streaming down my face... i want so much to be a teacher, one of the reliefs at our school got 12 on his year 12 certificate and i can't even get that i don't think... everyone always said i was really smart but i'm working really hard and i'm still failing... i might as well move out of home now and start my life as a hooker... seeing as that's where i'm headed anyway...

You are Mary Bell. At the ripe old age of 10 you
strangled a neighbor boy, afterwhich you carved
your initals into his skin. At his funreal you
laughed. Your next victim was a 3 year old. You
pushed him off the roof, resulting in a broken
skull. After he was found you went to his
mothers house and asked to see him, she replied
that he was dead. You smiled brightly and said
'Oh, I know he's dead. I wanted to see him in
his coffin." You horrid little girl you. -smacks your hand-

Which Imfamous criminal are you?
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You Know You're From Canberra When...

You run into someone who is related to your 2nd cousin. Everyone's related to everyone. You are running late for work yet you still arrive before 9am. You can see your breath in front of you at 7:30pm INSIDE THE HOUSE. You can't walk through a mall without greeting 10 aquaintances. You NEVER go to the coast. You whine about having to travel 30 minutes to see someone. Your friends won't travel 30 minutes to see you because they think its too far. You travel from Tuggers to Belco to have people say "Gosh, you're a long way from home. " Glow in the dark bowling becomes an appealing past time. The Govt invites you to implosions as a "Family fun day". The highlight of your Wednesday evening is seeing Garema Place come up on the The Panel on #10 You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Canberra.

My weekend in review...

Friday: took my last two classes off and went into town, felt very rebellious but sadly had permission from the counsellor who said he'd pretend he didn't know we were going and that some things are more important than class, I won't go into what but there was a personal issue there... dropped in at grammar for a little while just to say hi to the guys and tell them the aforementioned issue had been resolved positively... that night me and nushka went and saw taxi with harry, david, james and geoffrey (they're twins), the occassion and situation was very enjoyable and i guess the movie was ok considering it was about a crime fighting taxi driver and a team of supermodel bank theives... so yeah, saw a movie, the seeing of which was enjoyable, the movie itself bearable.

Saturday: Light Yourself On Fire And Hug A Friend Day. But no, I didn't light myself on fire and hug a friend, firefree hugs only on saturday. During the day I do believe I did nothing, then on saturday night we went to see starsky and hutch on the big screen in town, we consisting of me, nushka, tawny, harry, jonno, tom and daniel (spife was grounded) so yeah, that was fun and there was an incident involving a concubine sheep (see tawny's blog for details)

Sunday: I relished in doing nothing as per usual... though i did put some icons on punkyin

Monday: normal day at school but after school nushka and i went to grammar and met up with harry, david and jonno, then went to manuka minus jonno, wholesomely enjoyable for all, except maybe david's bitten arm...

Tuesday: Latin was fun, the rest of school was reasonable, lunch was psychotic, i do believe we had Paul and Blaz sitting with us for a while, lots of people sitting with us for some reason... came home from school and had Jonno tell me off for not having blogged, so I came here, and did this =P

be prepared for a rant....

Friday : so school was fun, we did no work and it was non-school-uniform day which was cool, then i went home from school to spife's house and we spent all afternoon choosing outfits for the play we were going to at the boys grammar school (where Harry, Dan, Tom, Jonno and David etc go) Tom (he's awesomely funny) was in the crew so we got invited (by we i mean me, Spife, nushka and tawny) it was such a good play!!! i'll explain it some other time coz the plot is complex and i don't want to make this too long... but it was seriously awesome.. so yeah, we got dolled up, kinda, pretty clothes but no makeup or anything, not really our style and by pretty clothes i mean awesome vintage opshop buys... went to this hilarious play then went to manuka (our local haunt, very few clothes shops but lots of cafes and stuff) and ran into our uber cool latin teacher and his girlfriend (we saw them again at le burp too) and she's very sweet, she works in a book store and is retro and cute and bookish, we approve :) then me and spife went home to her house and watched tv and went on the net then went to bed...

Saturday : we had an awesome day! I worked for 5 and a half hours so I got payed which was awesome, then i went down to school, it's just down the street from where i work, and bought a krispy kreme from my friends stall, we don't have them here so we had them brought in that morning from sydney, though apparently one is opening here soon, and they are so all they're cracked up to be, love em so so so much, then spife bought a lamp, a medicine/bathroom cabinet and a breadbox from the trash and treasure, and i bought a giant inflatable banana (that banana had many adventures last night, crowd-surfing, being taken on the Hurricane ride etc) for 50c and a trolley, also for 50c so that was awesome... then Harry arrived... then our friend josh came and we all got into an ice fight... everyone seems to have vastly improved aim whenever i'm wearing a low cut top... it started to get dark and the Battle of the Bands started... a band from josh's college and a band of year 10's from our school (Miscellaneum and Blind Panda respectively) tied for first place... both were awesome... as was just about everyone who played... even Sian a soloist (on guitar and singing her own song) who was by far the youngest and forgot her song and swore halfway through was uber enviable! she is amazing... so yeah we watched that... then i walked Harry to the other side of the photography and music building to wait for his step dad.... that was... fun... i got back after quite a while and my friends accused me of having mussed up hair, but it was just coz i'd taken my ponytail out... anyway... then we went to tawny's house for a halloween sleepover, we ate halloween cupcakes and chinese fingerfood, then watched 2 halloween episodes of buffy then i fell asleep during the first ep of angel coz i was really tired after working then going to the fete...

Sunday : in the morning, Ting went home earlyish, then spife so me, nushka, tawny and isabelle hung around tawny's house for a while, then i went with kitty, grace and grace's mum to grace's futsal game... which was unbelievably boring... and then i took the little girls to subway  and on the way home they both poured their supersize cokes all over me.. and my mum had said i could go shopping with josh and nushka that afternoon but then she changed her mind... so then i came home at like 4:30 and worked on my PeTA stencils... then went on the net... then went to bed and wrote spife a letter about how harry asked me to the informal and what i'm gonna wear...

ok so the last like 4 entries were stupid and rebound-esque... so i'm going to pretend they never happened...

ooh i got a job! i get payed $7 an hour to wash dishes... so i bought new shoes .

Spife got back from japan on saturday and got me an awesome tshirt and an awesome bag, both hilariously engrish!

*sigh* well i realised, paul takes drugs, so that's very bad and unabidable by me...